Memorial Service & Bereavement Information Center

Death and loss are unfortunate realities of the human condition. Everyone, with very few exceptions, will experience the loss of a friend, relative, or loved one at some point in their life. Grief is a common, expected, and necessary reaction to loss, and the way one expresses and experiences his or her grief will determine whether that person’s grieving process will have positive or negative long-term effects.

The first step in coping with grief is to understand what grief is and where grief comes from. The word grief is derived from the Old French greve, meaning a heavy burden. This is appropriate in that grief can manifest itself in physical as well as psychological ways. Depression, apathy, lethargy, sorrow – all are normal consequences of grief. Grief that stems from the loss of a loved one is especially difficult in that every birthday, anniversary, or special occasion can bring about renewed feelings of grief. The pain of the actual physical absence can often pale in comparison to the knowledge that you will never again share a special moment or memory with your loved one. This is a huge and often overlooked part of the grieving process, and it must be recognized by the bereaved in order to healthily get over the loss.

How you respond to the loss of a loved one depends on a number of different factors. How the person died is a major part; if the person died unexpectedly the grieving process might last longer than the grief associated with an anticipated death. Your relationship to the lost loved one also plays a big part. If the person died while you two were on bad terms you may experience intense feelings of guilt and regret along with other difficult emotions. Your own personality will also determine how well you cope with grief. People that are naturally prone to depression may find the grieving process more difficult than someone with a more resilient disposition. Whether you’ve experienced loss before is another factor; if you have you will probably be more prepared to face the difficult emotions that are to come.

It is important to understand what the more common stages of grief include. In 1969, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross developed the “five stages of grief” based on her work with terminally-ill patients. They include: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and, finally, acceptance. While Kubler-Ross herself admitted that these stages do no necessarily apply to everyone, they are a good blueprint for what types of emotions you might experience after losing a loved one.

It’s important to recognize the distinction between grief and depression. While depressive symptoms often accompany grief, major depression is actually a psychological disorder. Grief is normal and healthy and should not be treated with antidepressants or medication. If you suspect that your grief has developed into depression you should seek the professional opinion of a psychiatrist.

The best way to cope with the death of a loved one is to surround yourself with supportive, loving people. Everyone experiences grief in his or her own way, but trying to deal with your grief alone is nearly impossible. Support can come in many forms, too. Maybe you need to attend a discussion group or see a counselor, maybe you simply need someone to go see a movie with or give you a hug. Surround yourself with people that are willing to offer you the support you need, regardless of what form that support takes.

There are other inventive and helpful ways to cope with grief. Finding a creative outlet, such as painting or keeping a memorial journal, is a good idea. Honoring your loved one with an online memorial or a memorial scrapbook also gives you a place to always go back to and remember your loved one, a powerful aid in moving through the grieving process.  Exercise will also help keep you healthy mentally as well as physically. Most importantly, don’t be ashamed of whatever form your grief manifests itself in. As long as you’re coping mechanism isn’t self-destructive or detrimental to your long-term health, no one should make you feel it is inappropriate.

Finally, you should be aware of the affect trauma may be having on your grieving process. Trauma is a disabling reaction to the unexpected death of a loved one. Grief is a normal, healthy and necessary response to loss; trauma, on the other hand, will often block or hinder the grieving process and can lead to more damaging psychological problems. If you think you might be experiencing trauma as well as grief you should consider seeking professional help.

Coping with grief is a very hard process. There is no getting around it. However, it can also be a time for reflection and personal growth. By recognizing your grief, accepting it, and making efforts to work through it, the entire process can end up being a healthy and positive experience.

~Ben Anton, 2008

Photo by piX1966

Tags: bereavement, coping with grief, losing a loved one, loss of a loved one

This entry was posted on Tuesday, August 19th, 2008 at 6:09 pm and is filed under Grief & Loss. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.