Holidays and Grief: Incorporating Those We Lost into Traditions
Holidays are always spent with loved ones: this is the image we are always shown on TV and on advertisements leading up to big events celebrated in November and December. But this is an image that is hard to see and think about when coping with loss or grief over the holidays. The grief can begin to be healed in many cases however when the loved one is honored during this time.
The following are a few of many activities one can do to help incorporate lost loved ones in to holiday traditions.
Gift Giving in Their Name
A tradition that is becoming more common among families that give gifts to each other is to again buy presents for the person they are mourning. Instead of leaving the gifts unopen in the home, they are given to others in need in the loved one’s memory.
Include a Loved One Lost in Gatherings
Many people keep a photo of the person who has died as a keepsake. Bring out this special picture during gatherings and light a candle on special days in honor of their memory.
During holiday dinners, family and friends can take turns sharing a favorite holiday memory of the person lost. If talking about the person lost is an uncomfortable situation, a moment of silence can be taken before a meal or gift giving so others can gather their thoughts and memories about the departed.
Many families set a place at the holiday table for the loved one lost. This seemingly empty spot can be adorned with a candle on the dinner plate or even a small flower arrangement.
If hanging stockings are a tradition in the home, do not exclude the one that belongs to the deceased. Hang his or her’s up and, instead of filling it with toys or treats, have people write messages or memories on pieces of paper to stuff the stocking.
A Tree of Life and Lights
Many organizations and families have a tree lighting ceremony that may involve ornament hanging. This event is a way of remembering a loved one, accepting and celebrating their lives, and a way to start a new tradtion. This type of ceremony brings together those who are going through the same emotions as you. Coming together can be a way of showing support to one another.
The way this type of ceremony typically works is that a person mourning the death of a loved one can sponsor a light on a tree or bring an ornament to place on the tree. After everyone has placed their special item on the tree, the end product creates a visual tribute to those being remembered. Many have found this to be an event that brings healing while being around others that truly understand the emotions holidays may bring.
A more personal tradition one can start if they do not feel like they want to be around others is to place a small fir tree next to a loved one’s headstone and illuminate a candle. The tree, if it is live, can then be planted after the holiday season in a memorial garden, forest, yard, etc. A live tree can act as a long-lasting memorial that can benefit others in the future.
Make Something for the Home in a Loved One’s Honor
Some people find it beneficial to make an ornament for a loved one who has passed as a new holiday tradition. One may choose to add this new ornament to their own collection, give it to a person in need of a holiday ornament, or use the ornament in a tree-lighting ceremony. A family member or friend may also choose to place the ornament at the person’s grave with some other items to help dress it up for the holiday season.
Some families make ornaments of the loved one to be displayed during the following years. For example, a family that has lost a child or parent can put a picture of that person inside an ornament that can be personalized or use decoupage techniques to paste photos onto a bulb-shaped decoration.
Do not try to pretend you are not thinking about a loved one during the holiday season. Instead, work through grief over the holidays by including a loved one’s memory into both old and new traditions.
~Flora Richards-Gustafson, 2009
Learn more about helping children cope with grief.
Download the Valley of Life Guide to Children and Grief ebook.
Tags: coping with grief over the holidays, grief during the holidays, holidays and grief