Forgive me if I don't have a profile done yet. I've been having trouble, but I'll keep working at it until I get it!!
I was invited to Valley of Life by Miri, who thought my thoughts might be better heard here. Thank you Miri.
Losing a baby can be one of the hardest things a mother can go through. There's a lot of guilt, anger, sadness, and grief. I'm sure there's more emotions, but those seem to be the top ones for me.
There's people that don't understand how we feel. Most say "well you didn't really have a baby." From that first sign of pregnancy, that was our baby. We loved that baby dearly and there's nothing anyone can say to change that. I've also heard "well what would you have done with a baby anyway?" The same thing that every other mother would have. Loved that baby with all my heart.
It's hard for some people to understand how much we can love someone we don't know. Someone we've never seen. But to us...that was our world. I have a myspace where I blog (well try to blog) as often as I can. Once in a while I get a message from someone that feels the same way I do. Or I've put into words something that someone else was having trouble finding the words for. That's what has helped me. To write. To talk. To find someone that can validate how I'm feeling. And making me feel that I'm not alone. Because we're really not. There a whole group of mommies that feels the same way I do.
I read an article once that miscarriage was an "unrecognized grief". That people don't see this as a sad time because more often than not, there's no funeral, no casket, no gathering. So we feel "stuck". People telling us that we have nothing to be sad about when in reality our heart is broken.
This is not only for mommies who have suffered a miscarriage. Early infant loss is something that is very heard to deal with also. Although I've never gone through it...my experience teaches me that these are mommies who are hurting as well. SIDS is a big player in that category. People don't know how to deal with the loss of an infant. It's just not supposed to happen. People feel that if they talk about the baby with the mother it'll bring up all of those terrible feelings again. But what I've heard the most is that mommies love to talk about baby. They love to remember baby, good or bad. Talking about baby means that baby is never really gone. It's easier for baby to live in mommy's heart.
Stillbirth is another hard topic for people to talk about. I feel so bad for moms that make it full term only to deliver a baby that will never cry, grow, laugh, learn, or love. All they hear is silence. People don't want to talk about those babies either because the only memory that they get of that baby was the funeral and the sad memories, but in reality there were MANY more memories for mom than for anyone else. And those memories need to be remember in order for mom to remember baby.
Just because that baby wasn't seen or heard or felt by anyone else doesn't mean that baby didn't exsist. It doesn't mean that the baby wasn't loved. That doesn't mean that the baby didn't mean the world to someone. Mostly Mommy and Daddy.
We love our babies and all we want to do is Talk about Baby and Remember Baby.
October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day. Light a Candle for your baby.
I'll have my story posted on my baby's profile when I can get it to load. Until then...it's on my myspace.
Please feel free to share you stories and feeling here. If we can talk to other people we can talk to each other.