Welcome to Valley of Life Forum

Forgive me if I don't have a profile done yet. I've been having trouble, but I'll keep working at it until I get it!!

I was invited to Valley of Life by Miri, who thought my thoughts might be better heard here. Thank you Miri.

Losing a baby can be one of the hardest things a mother can go through. There's a lot of guilt, anger, sadness, and grief. I'm sure there's more emotions, but those seem to be the top ones for me.
There's people that don't understand how we feel. Most say "well you didn't really have a baby." From that first sign of pregnancy, that was our baby. We loved that baby dearly and there's nothing anyone can say to change that. I've also heard "well what would you have done with a baby anyway?" The same thing that every other mother would have. Loved that baby with all my heart.
It's hard for some people to understand how much we can love someone we don't know. Someone we've never seen. But to us...that was our world. I have a myspace where I blog (well try to blog) as often as I can. Once in a while I get a message from someone that feels the same way I do. Or I've put into words something that someone else was having trouble finding the words for. That's what has helped me. To write. To talk. To find someone that can validate how I'm feeling. And making me feel that I'm not alone. Because we're really not. There a whole group of mommies that feels the same way I do.
I read an article once that miscarriage was an "unrecognized grief". That people don't see this as a sad time because more often than not, there's no funeral, no casket, no gathering. So we feel "stuck". People telling us that we have nothing to be sad about when in reality our heart is broken.
This is not only for mommies who have suffered a miscarriage. Early infant loss is something that is very heard to deal with also. Although I've never gone through it...my experience teaches me that these are mommies who are hurting as well. SIDS is a big player in that category. People don't know how to deal with the loss of an infant. It's just not supposed to happen. People feel that if they talk about the baby with the mother it'll bring up all of those terrible feelings again. But what I've heard the most is that mommies love to talk about baby. They love to remember baby, good or bad. Talking about baby means that baby is never really gone. It's easier for baby to live in mommy's heart.
Stillbirth is another hard topic for people to talk about. I feel so bad for moms that make it full term only to deliver a baby that will never cry, grow, laugh, learn, or love. All they hear is silence. People don't want to talk about those babies either because the only memory that they get of that baby was the funeral and the sad memories, but in reality there were MANY more memories for mom than for anyone else. And those memories need to be remember in order for mom to remember baby.
Just because that baby wasn't seen or heard or felt by anyone else doesn't mean that baby didn't exsist. It doesn't mean that the baby wasn't loved. That doesn't mean that the baby didn't mean the world to someone. Mostly Mommy and Daddy.
We love our babies and all we want to do is Talk about Baby and Remember Baby.
October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day. Light a Candle for your baby.
I'll have my story posted on my baby's profile when I can get it to load. Until then...it's on my myspace.
www.myspace.com/inmemoryofbabye
Please feel free to share you stories and feeling here. If we can talk to other people we can talk to each other.
Thank you

Thank you so much for your caring and honest words.
You are so correct that people treat you like broken glass
and avoid talking about "the baby", but all I wanted to do was talk.
I was pregnant at 19 years of age, first time, newly married,
and at 5 months, we found out it was a tubal pregnancy.
It was all just so sterile and abrupt, like it was no big deal,
but it was to me. It was 6 more years before I even wanted
to consider trying again. We now have 2 beautiful children
that are the world to me, but in my mind and heart, I will always have 3.

I truly respect what you are going through and I know it must be hard. I can only imagine the pain that you feel everyday. To have to hold that in your heart and know that it will be there forever makes your world come to a stand still at times. But everything we go through is lesson, it happens for a reason. Whether it is to teach us or scold us. You are stronger than you will ever know and that strength will carry you all the way to the way through.

You have an inner strength that a lot of people don't have. I felt it through your post and I will put you in my heart and prayers because to walk alone without your child can be hard.

I am sorry that you lost your little one, but so glad that there are people like you in the world who can and are willing to help others. Each woman who faces this needs to know that she is not alone.

My sister lost her child and I just didn't know how to handle her. That is a process that takes gentle care. She wanted her child so bad and it took her two years to get pregnant. So I understood how hard it was for her to lose the child that she wanted so much.

Well, I hope that you were there for her Willyable. Just knowing that there is someone there who is willing to listen when you need it, or be with you without saying a word can make all the difference.

Yep, sometimes its better to be able to have someone who is just there to be there. No advice needed just their presence.

Thats how I am, I like to have someone near me when I'm going through things but I never want to talk. I never want to have a conversation. Just to have them there is good enough for me.

So nice to see so many compassionate people in one place.
When going through a tough time, I want someone to be
there quietly, until I am ready to talk. Then just listen.
I will listen to your pain, as well, just give me time to deal with it.
Bless everyone here.

I want to give a big thank you to everyone who's commented and for sharing their feelings. There are a lot of compassionate people here and great healing can happen when we all get together!
~My Love To All~

I agree' To have someone just be there and the support means a lot. I know all the sharing here means a lot. I think it helps one cope and also get it out and talking and sharing things helps a great deal.

I admit it does help me. I try my best to share my thoughts and the way I cope with things. I thank u all for sharing all that you have!

Yeah. It is hard one a person . I think all of us here is a huge help. I also tihnk its good to have someone there in person. I know that option is not always there.

I have seen some great posts. A lot of shared ways on coping. I think. We all being here and sharing what we all do. Its a great help. I know it is for me.