Welcome to Valley of Life Forum

Holidays are hard after a tragic loss, especially those firsts. The first Christmas, the first birthday, the first gathering in your own home without them there. These days will surely be difficult, so may I suggest some strategies for making the best of them?

First, accept that these days are going to be hard. Sometimes just accepting the degree of difficulty makes facing them more realistic. The Olympic divers set their degree of difficulty on a dive, then rise to meet the mark. So do gymnasts. We can think of our grieving seasons like one of these events. The holiday will either contort us into the most difficult of routines or plunge us into deep water, right? So get your spandex on and let's minimize the friction.

Having accepted the difficulty, look for creative ways to embrace rather than run from the occasion. On the first Christmas Eve without "Dad", I took out his nightstand drawer just as he had left it and placed it on the ottoman in the middle of our gathering. My children watched as the treasures they had made for him over the years were unpacked and seen with new eyes. These were the things that meant something to him and he had kept close at hand. Every child had notes and drawings, reminders of days past. No treasure under our tree could compare with the presence of Dad in our midstl

The tree itself was a hard thing. Dad had always chosen the tree with our youngest while I was home making preparations. Going without him was a challenging day, but I took my daughter to do the choosing. The many Boy Scout dads from our community took her patiently through every tree on the lot, understanding her reluctance to take any one home but the one Dad would have chosen. I stood numbly by as she walked off her grief that day feeling so helpless and so blessed at the same time. It was a day that had to happen and we let it be just what it was.

We followed up with a little trip for hot chocolate and to the local shop where every year these 2 special people in my life had gone to purchase an ornament for my stocking. I saw through my late husband's eyes what a gift I had given him when I allowed him this yearly date with his daughter. Though I can never fill his shoes, I feel a joy at walking in his footsteps.

Perhaps you can find a way to take a walk in the tracks of your loved one.

Lisa W.