Welcome to Valley of Life Forum

Today has been fair for me. Already the numbness that turned to pain of the loss of Joana is tolerable. Or maybe not, but easier to hide, and I am grateful for the mortal concerns that make me forget the fear of wondering if I would see Joanna's eyes open again. I am glad that the word suicide has once become an unacceptable and cowardly act (sometimes, not too long ago I embraced the idea of suicide). Still I breathe reluctantly and wish life in me had expired. Joanna would have said (she said this many times) that if she had nothing to do, she would go mad. I acknowledge that sometimes in order not to look back, you have to look forward. That sounds so obvious, but it isn't. I wait for grief to leave, but I know, maybe I always have, that saddness and dispair are not objects that come to me and go as suddenly, Sometimes, unfortunately, the scavenger and opportunist in a human overshadows everything. I am that way; an animal, instinctive by nature, waiting. But not for food. I wait for life to take me over. To be as enthusiastic about life as Joanna was. To love Christmas the way Joanna did. That way of life is surely the best. I know I shouldn't, but I live life on the premise that people around me will die. It certinly makes me a better person; more considerate. But I think I'd rather be inconsiderate and happy.

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